frankly, this blogpost has nothing to do with the molest case I post before. And I write in english, simple because people don’t like to read english, only friends will read what’s going on. So, I usually write sensual stuff in english.
I have been clean from any ‘western medication’ for more than 2 years.Since I am not drugging my body, I am sensitive about my body’s slight changes. I know when I start to get ill, how it goes worse, and how I get well. Similarly, I know when my soul get sick too. Busyness come first, then losing pace, then finding entertainment to fill hollowness, then suddenly go depress. Unlike the body, the sickness of soul can last really long, very enduring, if you know what I mean.
I am at the stage of depression.Lack of motivation, energy, ki, chakra, or in a christian sense, losing the connection of the Holy Spirit. Let me chase back what depressed me. For this time, the first pressure comes from the book I am currently working on, the deadline is crossed and it is still hanging in the air. Every time I contact the publisher, I panic. The second anxiety comes from the web radio I co-host, I give myself a very high standard and I cant reach that NOW. I know pressure make it worse, but I just don’t know what I can do. Pray helps. 3rd and 4th sources are bad comments. I was told from different sources that I let many people from my ex-churches down, as a servant. They hate what I said, my blog made them feel uncomfortable. I knew that and I used to take them lightly, but actually it is kind of a big thing for me. Who like being disappointed? I dare not to face and explain, because those are not my churches now, i have no place in those places. never again.
To continue count my pressure, the next thing should be the spam thing. Spamming me is an honor, but it is also a alarm that I am at war with some bosses being. I quit mocking Zac Koo and now I really get messed I guess. The shadow about being sued or reveal the real identity is always a nightmare for me, those are pressure too especially when I touch those shits of the Christian circle. revealing the molester did bring me some pressure, of being exposed. facebook page reaching 2,000 likes should be a happy thing, but for me, it’s just the beginning of another stage. I know it is silly to thing like that but… I DO thing i need to hold more responsibility, as I am having more readers and friends and enemies.
After finishing the current book, I decided to write another book, a book for Christians in struggle. I don’t know if I am called to do that, but I thing I am sure, there are hundreds of disappointed christians, struggling christians, ex-christians reading my writings, I do know how they feel, because I am one of them, even I am doing clerical work. My coming book is not anti anybody, but just sharing about how can we truly find God in the christian circle full of yelang.