成鋼之路 #18: ruined

I ruined everything: my pastoral career, my hosting chance, my family. ALL because of my ‘dreams’. Why I bracketed dreams? because they are not even dreams. At this point, I have to admit that I am following chances, exciting thoughts, brilliant ideas, but not dreams. People asked me, What is your dream/vision, or they simply ask, what do you want to be. I gave no answer. I could make up some, but those are not dreams I could throw my whole life in. That’s why I keep shifting job, jumping to different fields. I was reacting to chances, not dreams. At this point, I do not know what my dream is.

I used to dream about the revival of China, the revival of Hong Kong, building church for God. It turns out I become what I am now: a jumpy pastor, never do a job long; a keyboard fighter whom made myself hated by church circle; a irresponsible family man. In short, I ruined everything, and I still have no idea what should I do.

Then I go back to think about the very first calling I had, which is the revival of mainland China. I used to dream of the revival of China and I hoped I can fight a good fight about it. Now, I hate communists, I hate locusts, I hate government, and I simply think China is hopeless and I can do nothing about it. I can only hope my home HK doesnt fall so quick.

My job record made me trustworth-less, simply put, no one would hire a pastor with such background. If I am completely honest when I interview, NO ONE will hire me. Yes, the decision I made ruined my path as a pastor.

What choice do I have?

I have come to a point that I dare not to tell you what I am going to do. University ministries, avoiding U producing LMF and CMB, yes, this is what I can do, but I am not sure if I can commit to do. Slow Church? YES, I totally believe in it, I spent time studying it, but I tell u what, I dare not to tell you I can keep doing it. Writing too, I have completely lost my faith and confidence, I dare not to comment on, analysis anything. I am so lame, I have to admit that I am NOT trustworthy. I dare not to ask for donation, because I can’t believe in myself, I DO NOT want people to donate me, I am afraid their donation will be in vain.

But I have decided to commit myself to the Kingdom of God and the righteousness of God, what choice do I have now? I am facing daily family need: rent, bill, mouths to feed. What should I do? God has helped me, many many times, but I ruined them all. It will be totally just for God to turn away from me. I have no face to see God. Even if I do, I have no face to see my family, and my fellow Christians. I ruined everything.

But I tell you what. After all these, I am not abandoning what I said, i still want to build Slow Church, to serve U students, and keep writing. But just I need to figure out how can I earn my living first. In the last paragraph, I am going to talk about money.

 

Slow Church is something I must do, but the form is not settle, and it doesn’t have to be a quick decision (if it does, it betray the whole meaning of slow church). I want to know, if I am able to collect a $18,000 donation each month, so $14k become my living fund and 4k become a church development fund. If it works, I will 100% doing it. If NOT, like I can only gather $11-12k donation, it will start slowly because I need to work part-time on something else. Like I said, I will hold a meeting on 5-april, I will give more detail plan on this. (and for those cannot attend on 5-april, I will announce another meeting for you). PLEASE FEEL FREE TO ASK QUESTION.

But there is a point I must add. Since I don’t know if this works or not, and I DO have financial need, so, I am hunting for job. So, what if I am hired and some of us really want to start slow church? I’d say, do it slowly, start with slow fellowship, and store power, the whole slow church movement is something long term. But for one thing I am quite sure I will do, is the book club for the book ‘slow church’ in the coming June.

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2 thoughts on “成鋼之路 #18: ruined

  1. 陳到, 一直都很喜歡你在熱血的文章和節目。你知道嗎,當我知道有課金計劃時,你就是我第一次課金的其中一人。課金給你是因為你的文章寫得好,節目也做得不錯,也因為看到你的努力。

    看了Kano這齣戲,令我最深刻的一句對白是:怕輸,就要想辦法贏!面對難題,就要想辦法解決。

    我很高興你這樣坦誠面對自己的缺點,我期待你能重新振作。

    我還是很想在早上看到你做節目,讓我再看到一個熱血的陳到吧!

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